On the fifth floor of a large hospital I anxiously doodled on my copy of a welcome letter. This new situation, called a psychological assessment, gave me a lot of anxiety. My friend Stacey had kindly dropped me off. Checking in for my appointment, I learned that parking was validated.
Numerous things give me anxiety. This giant building which requires the use of parking garages, several elevators and floor plans on the wall made little sirens go off in my brain. Recurring panic like this reminded me how different I experience the world than my peers. This reoccurring realization was what brought me here.
After 15 more minutes passed I was still waiting to see the clinical psychologist. My brain was worried, but there was no need for a critical meltdown. As a people pleaser, I also have a high patience threshold. Sitting around observing my surroundings is one of my favorite activities.
Still, I wondered, could this waiting be part of the assessment? Is patient behavior observed here in the waiting room before appointment?
After a total of forty minutes past, I was approached by the individual who checked me in. I was then informed that the doctor was unable to make it today. My appointment would be postponed for the next day, which was incredibly frustrating.
Luckily, Stacey had time to debrief and decompress with me at Starbucks. She is a true friend and sister in faith. We share many values and common connections. The friendships we share form a network of genuine women. Evelyn, also a part of this little tribe, had time to transport me back to the hospital tomorrow.
The next day, Evelyn took us to the 5th floor of the garage. Thanks to my experience yesterday, I was ready to validate her parking. This comes in the form of a sticker placed on the back of our parking ticket. Validation would wave the cost of parking for doing business in the adjacent building.
This second time around went much more smoothly. The doctor was on time and present. The assessment he presented was not terrifying to go through. When out of my element, I hide my fears and work tirelessly to please others. Daily I walk around with a nagging fear of being kicked out of society. During my appointment, I let those feelings go, and presented my most effortless self.
Social situations and seemingly unspoken rules that accompany them have always troubled me. Letting my guard down, our talk focused on my struggles, skills, victories, interests, and past experiences. There was a general understanding that my natural body language was also being scrutinized.
The written results from the assessment listed symptoms including difficulty with social emotional reciprocity, as well as difficulty understanding social norms and expectations. It spoke about my rigidity in thinking and strict adherence to routines and sameness (not just because I was mad about my appointment rescheduling).
These are statements I find to be true. What had been a mystery for over 34 years was finally validated like that parking pass. And the authentic stickers of this parking pass read the Level 1 Autistic Spectrum Disorder (formerly known as Asperger’s syndrome).
This validation fills me with compassion for myself. The support and micro steps to get to this point, felt worth it. Can I keep this sticker on my forehead to help others understand me? This could help to alleviate frustrating interactions where I am repeatedly reprimanded for just not “getting it” at any given time.
Attempting to hide my most natural self leaves the feeling of my life as if it were a movie. A movie where I play a role, but I’m not seen as the lead. Maybe a character who stands out from the rest, with a unique flair but always a sidekick. The recognition of my most secret parts of my brain feels like an opportunity to step into the starring role.
This affirmation, along with my faith, and my authentic friends should give me the courage I need. An attitude of confidence and self-assurance can be a better choice than hiding in the shadows and feeding other’s egos of entitlement.
This could be my movie, which I direct with God’s help. He has given me the brightest lighting to work with, and I am grateful for it. Bring some popcorn, candy and soda if you wish to continue joining me on my journey. My story may not get critical acclaim or even premier in the biggest theatres. But I assure myself, this show is sure to be interesting.
